Mike's Fucking Blog

Tag: bipolar disorder

• Surviving panic attacks

  Posted at 7:46 pm by mikesfuckingusername, on March 18, 2020

  

  With the right techniques, panic attacks can be managed and panic disorder can be cured.

  Sunday night I had a psychogenic seizure and convulsions as a result of the worst panic attack I’ve had in many years, and due to complications from switching medications that control them.

  It had nothing to do with coronavirus, it’s just PTSD — in case you wondered. The adrenaline-pumping attack came out-of-the-blue as I was watching a YouTube video about motorcycle crashes that probably triggered me on a subconscious level because I survived one last year.

  Panic attacks are often confused with heart attacks because the symptoms are very similar. I was diagnosed with panic disorder during a trip to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack, but my EKG was perfect. People experiencing them often feel like they are dying and going crazy both at the same time and they typically last between 10 and 30 minutes.

  I’m seeing a team of doctors to manage this better. They say the best ways to control them, aside from medication, is meditation and psychotherapy — both of which I regularly do. Psychology Today recommends 10 other things you can do to help.

  Having battled panic attacks most of my adult life, I sadly still find myself looking for ways to win. It is my personal belief that the psychotic break which led to my bipolar, originated from PTSD and panic attacks left untreated for so long. Psychiatrists believe comorbidity with panic disorder exists in 20% of those who suffer bipolar disorder.

  I’ve tried everything and still can’t find a cure, but in my psychotherapy session today it was explained that panic attacks happen when you “pop your top” in your frontal cortex, so it is important to stay out of that area of your brain — stop thinking so much(!) — and focus on your five senses.

  When I looked in the mirror during my panic attack, I couldn’t even see myself. All I saw were bright lights floating and blinding me as if I just got done staring at the sun. I could not feel anything but choking in my neck, chest and spasming arm muscles made me believe I was surely having a heart attack. My doctor explained that the associated shaking is the body trying to metabolize emotions.

  If you’ve never experienced panic attacks then count your blessings because they’re terrifying. Not only do you feel like you’re having a near death experience but you also feel like you’re about to totally disconnect from reality. Panic attacks technically CAN kill you but it is extremely rare. Taking these steps during a panic attack is usually enough to curb them.

  Controlled breathing is the most important one, based on research. I use an inverted table and CPAP to pull myself out of the worst ones.

  Anyone suffering from panic attacks should immediately let friends, family, and professionals know so that they can learn to survive and cope with them in the healthiest ways possible.

  The end is not bleak: Psychology Today posits that panic attacks can be cured by the sufferer learning to break the cycle and live without fear of having them, which is easier said than done and why so few people are ever totally cured of panic disorder.

  Surviving them is possible when the right techniques are deployed to manage your disorder and train your brain’s muscle memory to stop reacting with fear — which is supposed to lead to the cure.

  I wish everyone the best of luck in this endeavor, and hope someone will read this and be helped by it or be able to contribute to the conversation.

  Remember to stay out of your head and think positive thoughts so you don’t blow a fuse and have a panic attack! Good luck!

  | 0 Comments Tagged bipolar disorder, coronavirus, meditation, panic attacks, psychogenic seizure, psychotherapy, PTSD

• Fuck what people think, love yourself

  Posted at 1:36 pm by mikesfuckingusername, on March 6, 2020

  

  Never forget that loving yourself isn’t being selfish, it is a matter of survival. So do what you gotta do and live your best life.

  Too many veterans suffer the stigmas attached to invisible wounds because those wounds are part of who they are but people can’t see them. So when those wounds effect their behavior people who don’t get it shun them like a crazy person, when what they really need is to be embraced by someone trustworthy who knows and understands.

  Most of the people I know who suffer from invisible wounds say they’d rather have something visible so people would get it without having difficult conversations. This is certainly not to detract from the suffering amputees endure, I am just sharing the thoughts of some people with invisible wounds. I regularly experience anxiety about this too, but have learned how to develop my support network.

  Coming out to friends, family and coworkers is a daunting task, but be brave and keep in mind that they probably can already see that you’re a wounded warrior. Most of the time, the talks end up helping more than triggering, and in fact can feel very liberating and even rebellious.

  

  If you need motivation, just imagine how great it would feel not having to spent your entire life trying to hide who you are. Imagine being free to be yourself. Imagine having a good excuse to get negative influences out of your life. Imagine not spending your insomniac hours brainstorming how you’re gonna fake it through the day.

  I know showing them your invisible wounds is easier said than done, but people can’t know you’re injured until you do so. People in your support network need to know so they can understand and assist in times when you’re hurting too bad to fake being normal. Developing a strong support network and making them see your invisible wounds is central the management of your injury.

  Live in other people’s heads and you will always be their slave. Don’t be anyone’s slave. Be free.

  

  First, you have to stop caring what they will think. They will either accept you or they won’t. If they don’t then cut the sling-load cuz this is who you are and its not gonna change without a lot of constant effort over many years.

  Second, you need to be prepared for people so ignorant that they will say it’s a myth and that you need to suck it up, get some fresh air, and drive on. There are many in your life who are like that, and you need to identify and cut ties with them. I never respond the right way, so if any advice on how to best respond would be greatly appreciated. Most of them time I curse their ignorance and challenge them to live with me for a month or go fuck themselves.

  Third, you need to come up with a strategy. For me, I didn’t tell a soul for five years but I suffered tremendously because of it. I finally strategized to break it to a couple best friends, then my girlfriend, now wife, and then some family members. I suffer from such bad anxiety that this process took 15 years. But in the end, I found telling people to be so therapeutic that I finally just went public with it. Anyone who can’t accept it gets cut out of my life, even if it means quitting a job.

  Whatever you do, do not forget that your well-being is more important than what anyone else thinks of you. You are going to lose some people but it is for the best. You will eventually find yourself surrounded by people who are healthy for you, and that’s when you really start making progress.

  Disclaimer: All of these suggestions are based on personal trial and error. I am not a medical professional so my stories are meant to be taken as a helpful shared experience and not medical or legal advice based on any doctrine. It is always recommended that you seek help from medical professionals in your recovery, but doing your research and connecting with people who’ve experienced this is also helpful and that’s why I share my stories. If you are in crisis call 1-800-273-8255.

  | 0 Comments Tagged anxiety, bipolar disorder, coming out, End The Stigma, freedom, how to come out, invisible wounds, liberation, live your best life, PTSD, support netowrk, veteran support, what people think, wounded warrior

• #EndTheStigma: PTSD, bipolar and suicide awareness

  Posted at 6:19 pm by mikesfuckingusername, on March 1, 2020

  

  When I was on active duty in the Army, I developed PTSD and panic attacks after my squad leader was shot and killed right in front of me and I could not save his life. This occurred nearly 20 years ago, but just last year I finally stopped shouldering the blame for his loss. It can take time.

  We lost him as I was approaching the height of my active duty career, so even though I reached out for help, none was provided. Instead, I continued to march and was assigned increasingly stressful missions that only made things worse for me. The Army did not take it seriously back then and I was always told to “suck it up.”

  During one particular mission, I regulalry went days without sleep at a time, and several months without one day of sleeping more than four hours straight. This likely caused my first manic phase. I was stuck in it for so long that I had a psychotic break and chased a bottle of pills with a bottle of alcohol while setting my room on fire.

  Luckily, I was rescued and survived. But things should never have gotten to that point. Sadly, far too few people understand PTSD and bipolar disorder, so recognizing these invisible wounds can be hard. And talking about it can be even harder.

  A couple weeks ago, I tried talking about my diagnosis with a Vietnam veteran who was a bureau chief at a major newspaper in New York City. He said he believed bipolar disorder was a myth. It crushed me. But I knew if he even stayed with someone who suffers bipolar for one week he’d realize it was no myth. I started this blog because of that conversation and a new desire to educate people about what its like, to the best of my ability.

  As Joker aptly stated in the recent Joker movie; “The worst thing about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.” Sufferers need to be able to talk about it, and people new to it need resources and a support network.

  

  Before I continue, I must note that I love life and want to live — there is nothing like almost dying to teach you that. Please think of this blog as a labor of love that I am doing with the hopes that sharing my stories could help just one person. Saving one life is much more important to me than what anyone thinks of me.

  Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder can include, but are not limited to: Severe mood swings that cycle between mania and severe depression, not needing sleep or needing too much sleep, not eating or eating too much, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, hyper-sexuality, excessive spending, substance abuse, etc.

  Note: I refer to being balanced as staying “flatlined.” Imagine a heart monitor when it reads spikes and dips above the flatline with each heartbeat. With bipolar, flatlining is a good thing; its one’s healthy place.

  There is no escaping bipolar disorder.
  
  When you suffer from bipolar, you’re saving the world when you can’t even save yourself. You’re chasing your flatline on wild adventures thousands of miles away, loved ones wondering if you’ll ever come home again. Or, you’re stuck in bed for days, or weeks, unable to even feed yourself, loved ones wondering if you’ll ever get up again. I often think of the Motley Crue song Merry Go Round when trying to describe how far bipolar delusions can take you.

  You feel everything more intensely than normal people could ever imagine. You’ll be happier or sadder than they’ve ever been. You’re standing there looking crazy to them because they can’t see the invisible rollercoaster that’s ripping your insides apart at the seams.

  You’re an expert judge of character because you learn quickly who has true compassion, loyalty, understanding and love based on how they react to you being you.

  You sadly accept society as blind and ignorant to the daily battles you fight just to be normal. You endure the stigmas dozens of times every day, and every time you try to break them someone hurts you for talking about it. They take your loyalty for-granted, not realizing that you treasure those who understand and support you so deeply you’d die for them.

  You learn to embrace a disease that controls and haunts you because it’s better to feel all of these things than nothing at all.

  We cannot expect things to change if we lack the courage to talk about it. The number one reason why things go too far, in my opinion, is because of the stigma against talking about it. We have to foster an environment where invisible wounds are treated with the same concern as visible ones.

  Managing bipolar is a constant battle.

  Every single day you need therapy, medication and an attack plan based on your condition. You must develop a strong support network of trusted friends, loved ones and therapists. For me, its a small but strong circle.

  Ideally, you will need a flexible job because some days your bipolar will prevent you from making it in. A proper diet, regular sleep or naps, exercise, stress reduction techniques, and assistance managing your money are a winning combination.

  Never forget that just because you feel good today, doesn’t mean you can let your guard down. Once you get bipolar, life gets more complicated and you need a constant plan of attack.

  And, most importantly, always remember that you are worthy, have value and deserve to be loved. And always love yourself no matter what disabilities you have.

  If you are suffering or know someone who is, talk to them and/or encourage them to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255.

  | 0 Comments Tagged #EndTheStigma, bipolar disorder, disabled veterans, PTSD, Suicide Awareness, veteran

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